“Jesus, You Can Have All My Yesterdays” is one of my favorite songs that Guy Robinson brought to Camp. (The same one John Vonder Bruegge refuses to sing for me and hurts my feelings — really). I sing it all the time. It’s been one of my children’s lubbabys and has meant the world to my spiritual life. I thought I meant it. Most of the time I do. I mean it when I am afraid of tommorrow. I mean it when I don’t like some of my yesterdays. I mean it for today.

I’ve just spent the weekend at my old camp. Things are changing and they are changing quickly. I want to see Barnabas grow and I want to see it get better, but it is so hard to let go. Jimmy Dodd, work crew hero, prayed a prayer Saturday night that slapped me in the face. He gave God his yesterdays at Camp. Am I willing to give God my good memories? What if He wants to take them away? What if He wants to take Camp away? Am I willing to really say, “Jesus, You can have all my yesterdays?”

I had a similar thought on the way to Camp. I was listening to Avalon and their song that says, “I don’t want to go somewhere if I know You’re not there”. I’ve listened to that song and prayed that song over and over as we’ve thought about this move to Bristol. But…. what if God had said, I don’t want you to go to the Camp Reunion. Did I even seek His permission on that? Or did I do what I wanted to do?

I am beginning to wonder if I am a full time Christian or one of those Christians who just runs to God in trouble. You know, those that I’m not all that crazy about. How much? How much of me am I REALLY willing to give to God. I know what I say, but what about my actions?

We are planning a Camp Reunion and here are a few people I need to find. If you know them or anyone who went to Camp Soaring Hawk, please have them contact me at joni@jonib.com or go to campsoaringhawk.org.

Guy and Glenda Robinson (last I heard they were in CA)

Keith and Jane Johnson (I think Keith is a pharmacist in NC)

Mike Gant — the gentle giant orginally from Vaiden, MS

Nan DeFabio — from Des Peres MO

Beth Cross — from St. Louis

Kay Kay Zulner — from St. Louis

…more to follow….

WE ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!!!!

I have been shown so much mercy by many. God has been so gracious to not squish me. You’d think I’d have a different attitude today than what I have. I am so sick and tired of irresponsibility. If you owe people money, pay your bills so that they can pay theirs. If people donate money to you, use it wisely and if you don’t need it, give it back to God. If you have a job to do, work to the best of your ability and try not to make mistakes. If you tell someone you are going to do something, then do it. People are counting on you. Don’t use people. People aren’t garbage for you to mop up your needs with and then toss out like rubbish. My grandaddy once said about an old boyfriend of mine, “If you could buy him for what he was worth and sell him for what he thought he was worth, why I guess you’d be the richest woman in town.” Turns out he was right. Don’t let your character be such that people can and will say that about you. God, please help me to have mercy and extend grace to these that I think so poorly of.

I have a disease or a condition or an “ism”. I don’t know what I have and they have yet to medicate me, carve on me or whatever it is that they intend to do. So, I’m floating through these days feeling helpless. I’m exhausted most of the time, too weak to do anything… sometimes too weak to even walk through the house or even pick up a fork to eat. My mental state varies from day to day. My 3 year old has suddenly turned into a hypercondriac, my house has exploded, my husband is exhausted, my baby is needy and my 6 year old is helping. I HATE this!

I’ve just a read a devotion that middle aged + man wrote about his wife. They weren’t young and not yet elderly when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He gave up his retirement dreams and took care of his wife who was completely dependent on him and couldn’t even respond to his conversation. Many months later, after speaking no words, she looked at him and said, “Do you want me?” He said he wanted to jump for joy and answered, “Of course I want you!”

I know the answer to that question for me, but I want to scream, “This isn’t what you signed up for!” I know how I’d answer that question should the situation be reversed. It is so humbling to be here. I’m just 34. I should be out running with my children. I should have the energy and strength to meet everyone’s needs….. but…. I don’t. God has surrounded me with a great support system. Ron could not be a better husband, a better friend or a better caretaker. I was down the other day and pleaded with God for something. Instead of what I asked for, He gave me something better — an old friend called out of the blue in the middle of the day and he talked to me for a long time. There aren’t many things better than long conversations with old friends. God is sustaining me and blessing me. It’s not fun to be humbled. It’s not fun to not be Supermom. It’s not fun to let my husband “wash my feet”, but it is so good to rest in the shadow of the Almighty and know that He is right here giving me things that are so much greater than I even ask or hope for.

Every once in a while, something will happen in your life to make you actually look at your life and the things around you. I find myself in that situation. For many years, I’ve wanted to get out of Savannah – move on to bigger and better things. This morning, as I was walking, I found myself appreciative of this small town I grew up in. I love it. I love that I know every teacher that my children will ever have. I love that the teachers wear HCHS Tigers T-shirts on Fridays – not because they have child in high school, but just simply because OUR team plays that night. I love that if I walk down the street and see a shirt in the window I like, I can walk in and just say, “Charge this to me, Bruce.” I like that I don’t HAVE to buy my clothes from Harolds or send my child to a school that costs more than his college education will. I love that I can talk to the millionaires and the ones on welfare in the same day and not think differently of anyone according to what they have or don’t have. I love that I can be anywhere I want to be within 5 minutes. I love Mrs. Geneva’s purple flowers that I get to walk by on my way to watch the sun set behind the river. I can see the stars at night, hear the birds and the crickets. I love that everyone knows my boy and feels like they can jerk him up for a good “whoopin'” should he need it. I love that they stand behind him and encourage him even in his failures. I’m glad I can use the word whoopin’ and nobody looks down their noses at me. I love that people can just stop by without having to have an invitation. I love my rocking chair on the front porch. I love that I don’t have to worry constantly about locking my doors or windows. What a grand and glorious place Savannah is. Thank You, Lord – how could I ask for more?