I suppose this road I’m currently walking is one that has been traveled by generations of women before me.  It is definitely not uncommon but definitely new to me.  My boys are growing up and my husband is….busy.  I have found that I am constantly waiting. I’m waiting to be needed.  The last 20 years of my life have been a whirlwind of “Moooom…..”  I remember just wanting to take a bath without someone sticking their hands under the bathroom door.  Now, they drive themselves.  They do errands for me.  They can wash their own clothes and cook their own meals.  In a couple of weeks, JB will go back to Mississippi State, Caleb will start his senior year and my baby will start high school.  They love me but they don’t “need” me like they did.  Ron runs his IT company.  I’m thankful for it because it’s our livelihood but many nights I am asleep before he comes to bed.  I catch myself in front of a screen too much waiting for someone to need me or even talk to me.  I have no intention of being a screen addict.   So I’ve been facing the question.  Who was I before this beautiful mess of life sucked me in?  I have to find what it was I loved so that I can finally stop…. waiting.

I took my first step today.  I love being outside.  I love being on the water.  I love the solitude of nature.  I have a wonderful friend who has a cabin on the lake.  He’s allowed me to store my kayak there so that I can go out on the water whenever I wish.  I took my kayak down there today and paddled along the shore’s edge.  The lake was empty and peaceful.  That is until my dog jumped off the dock to get to me.  I paddled back and pulled him onto the ride on top kayak.  I’d rescued my dog and in his mind, he’d rescued me.  We were together.  What do wet dogs do?  You got it.  They shake the water off and he did so… aggressively.  So much so that I could no longer balance the kayak and he flipped us.  We both went down, kayak hit me in the head, dog on top of me with me trying to save accessories.  Somehow, my sunglasses are not at the bottom of the lake.  He panicked.  He tried to climb on anything solid he could find.  We both looked like drowned rats by the time we got to shore.  Only one of us pulling an upside-down kayak behind her. So, I collapsed on the deck and then into the hammock and….grabbed my phone for yep…screen time.  I mean pictures had to made and sent to social media, right?? I plan to spend many more days after school at the cabin especially in the fall.  I will paddle the shoreline again and take in the glory of the autumn trees.  I will take a thermos of cider and sit on the dock and watch the sunset.  I will invest in me again.  I will do it without my dog.