I now have 46 Christmases under my belt.  I asked myself a question this afternoon that pierced my soul because I wasn’t sure of my answer.

I am a gift giver by nature. I love it. I wish I had dispensable income so I could just gift everybody. I especially love those anonymous gifts. Those gifts that come when someone doesn’t know how they’ll get through the day or wonder how they’ll explain to their kids that Santa didn’t make it to their house this year. I love being in a store and seeing something perfect for someone and giving it just because it made me think of them. I love to get gifts with meaning. This year, a friend sent me a small foam can koozie that said “Thema” on one side & “Louise” on the other. It may be my favorite gift of the year just because of the inside joke.  Those “just thinking of you” gifts like a hand crocheted blanket, a child’s wildflower or handprint, flowers on a hard day, a donation to my favorite charity, those touch my heart. Gifts just seem to say “you are not alone and I got your back.”  Sometimes they are hard for me to accept, but it’s an expression that we all need.

Have you ever given a gift that wasn’t received as you expected? Perhaps you were struggling financially and really saved to buy someone something, but the reaction was lackadaisical at best. They had no idea your struggle. Maybe there was a family down on their luck and you knew what a HUGE blessing your gifts would mean for them and they didn’t respond in excitement, tears or even a thank you. I’ve given gifts to my family members that I couldn’t wait for them to open. I was giddy the entire Christmas season with anticipation of them jumping up and down telling me I was the greatest ever! Only for the gift to be opened, turned over a time or two & laid aside. That moment is crushing.

Today I was taking down Christmas decorations and I picked up my Jim Shore figure of Santa bowing at the “crib” of  baby Jesus. That’s when the question hit me.  Did I say thank You? Have I ever said thank You on Christmas to the One the gift giving is all about? I’ve always tried to make Christmas more about Jesus than all the stuff around me, but have I ever said thank You? Or have I left God hanging waiting for me to realize what He had to sacrifice? Is He waiting for me to not think He owes me and realize I need to be grateful? Do I leave Him giddy with anticipation of my salvation only to light my Advent candles a few times and walk away?

This has been a difficult Christmas for me. It’s been depressing. For the first time in my life, I’m among those bah-hum-buggers who are glad it’s over. However, that does not negate that unto me a Child was born, my Savior given. My soul should jump up and down with resounding gratitude.

Thank You, God, for sending your Son to take all my filth upon Himself. Thank You for a Gift I can never repay, but given in such grace, mercy and love. I am the most undeserving of all.