Another December with another sick child which means another rushed and stressed Christmas.   Jon Garrett was so sick for more than a week.  He ran between 103 and 105 degree fever for eight days.  We spent many days in the doctor’s office and at the hospital having test after test.  They found nothing.   Antibiotics didn’t help and Motrin and Tylenol would not bring down the fever.  We had to fight to keep his fever down with constant cool packs, cold liquids, and cool baths.  I prayed for days and he never got any better.  Well, at least in the time frame that “I” wanted.

We have had the worst autumn, financially, that we have ever had.  Our customers don’t pay.  Day after day I would pray for a miracle in the mailbox.  Still nothing came.  I have bills piling up that I can’t pay.  I had to go in debt just to buy Christmas presents for my children.  Ron and I didn’t buy each other gifts.  I begged God to show me what to do.  I’ve applied for two jobs all the while praying for His will to be done.  I’ve been turned down on both.  Quite a strike on my pride.  I’ve never not gotten a job that I wanted.  I’ve stayed home with my boys because it was the right thing to do.  Am I now worthless in the job market because of that?

I’ve spent most of December feeling abandoned and feeling worthless.  Even close friends and family have not “picked me”.  It’s been like being the smallest one playing Red Rover all over again.  I feel like God has abandoned me.  He’s never not spoken to me.  He’s always been quick to save me.  I can’t stand this silence between us and I’m begging for His mercy.  You know, even forget mercy… I just want to know He hears me.

My favorite part of Christmas is the Advent devotions that our family does together every night.  I think maybe this year I was just going through the motions.  We went to Church for our Christmas Eve service.  It was quiet and we walked down to the alter to view the Living Nativity that the youth group was doing.  We admired the wise men, the shepherd, Joseph and Mary along with the little plastic Baby Jesus laying in the wooden feed trough.  To Jon Garrett, it was the real deal!  That wasn’t a baby doll… it was Jesus!  As it came time for Service to start, the kids left their posts and went to sit with their families.  In great distress, Jon Garrett said, “Oh no!  Mom!  Somebody left Baby Jesus behind!”  I smiled at first and then I wondered if it was me.  Have I been so caught up in fear and self pity that I am the one who left Jesus behind?  I spent a lot of time looking at that poor baby up there.  Jon Garrett was right.   He was on display for the whole church to look at, but He was alone.  Abandoned in his crib.  Where was I?  I was sitting comfortably in my pew.  When it came time for communion I found my self even more ashamed when the preacher reached down into the “crib” and pulled out the loaf of bread.

It’s the new year.  I hope I don’t leave Jesus behind.